A Hit Dog

Buzzfeed’s SOML writer Aline Ramos recently published a checklist of Fuckboys you’ve encountered. I’ve been called a fuckboy a lot, so I took a gander at the list and boy oh boy, I fit into a bunch of these. So, as a proven fuckboy, I’d like to take this opportunity to “mansplain” myself to those that are willing to listen. Some of these I agree, make a not so nice person. But others, I genuinely believe are symptoms of the problem we are experiencing in our society, are born of pure confusion, and validating to those that refuse to think outside of their bubble of reality, thereby continuing the cyclical nature of our experience. I’ll highlight the ones that need addressing and leave my commentary below them.

The guy who says he’s a feminist and uses it as an excuse to get out of paying for anything.

  • This point irks me off the bat. Feminism, much like capitalism, is problematic. In theory, it’s all good, but in action, the principles get lost and the whole thing falls apart. The heart of the argument for feminism is equality. Which, I support. However, within our society, we still propagate chivalry as well. The two do not intersect. Chivalry is based on the idea that women are the weaker sex, and can not/ should not do things that men are charged with doing. So, if we make space for chivalry, then we have to do away with feminism. Or vice versa. By not doing so, what we end up with is convenient feminism, where women are equal to men until it’s time to split the bill on a date or until a woman doesn’t have a seat on a full train.

The sexually “progressive” guy who pressures you into doing things you don’t want to do.

  • Remember this one, I’m going to come back to it.

The guy who says he’s an \“ethical non-monogamist uhhhh huh.

  • Errrrr what the fuck Ms. Ramos? On behalf of the ethical non-monogamy community, I want to apologize for the experiences that you’ve had with others that have claimed to be us. However, it is not fair or right to bunch us all together. You wouldn’t bunch all of Christians together based on Westboro Baptist Church members behavior because you understand that they are rogue. So please don’t do that to us. Thanks.

The guy who doesn’t vote, just to make a statement.

The guy who asks you not to wear makeup because he prefers women to look “natural.”

  • Wow…just wow. With all the progressive movements pushing for women not have 4a4to participate in unrealistic beauty standards, here comes a man that has shed societies standards of beauty and can appreciate you as you are, AND actually prefers it. And you call him a fuckboy for it. Yep, makes perfect sense. Good luck with that.

The guy who’s into empowerment and shit, but he really needs you to shave.

The guy who swears he isn’t homophobic, but he flips his shit when another guy hits on him.

The mansplainer.

The guy who Venmo invoices you for every last cent.

The guy who expects you to text him back immediately, but will disappear off the grid for days himself.

The guy who’s ever begun a sentence with “I’m not a racist, but…”

The guy who does not own sheets.

The guy who does not clean his apartment.

The guy who won’t lend you any clothes because he’s afraid you’ll lose it.

  • I have had many of my shorts, sweaters, jackets, socks, etc. never returned to me via a woman borrowing them. Look at it like this, if you kept loaning stuff to people, and never got it back, would you keep loaning your stuff out? See Ned Flanders and Homer Simpson’s relationship for further explanation. Women are the Homer Simpson’s of the world when it comes to borrowing men’s clothes.

The guy who passes out on your bed immediately after you finish having sex.

  • Have you ever tried thrusting your hips forward in a precise and vigorous fashion, for ten to thirty minutes intervals, without stopping, after being at work all day? If not, try it, please. And please go on about how you get up with enough energy to do it again.

The guy who ghosted you but still follows you on Instagram.

The guy who is uneasy about any of your male friendships.

The guy who lets his mom do his laundry when he’s home.

  • What? His mother misses him and wants to show her affection for him in the form of acts of service. Have you ever read the 5 love languages? This does NOT make someone a fuckboy.

The guy who gets upset when you get all dressed up and go out with your friends.

The guy who’s annoyed when you’re more professionally successful than he is.

The guy who is rude to his mom in front of you.

The guy who only ever booty calls you.

The guy who only ever drunk texts you.

The guy who interrupts you all the goddamn time.

The guy who makes PMS jokes when you’re not in a good mood.

The guy who won’t have period sex.

  • This…Sex is all about consent. Calling someone a fuckboy for not doing something that you want to do sexually, is undue pressure. Fuckboy indicator number two says ‘The sexually‘ progressive” guy who pressures you into doing things you don’t want to do” which fits this exact scenario. That should qualify the writer as a cunt.

The guy who only suggests bars/date destinations convenient for him to get to.

The guy who texts you “Merry Christmas” over the holidays after months of no contact.

The guy who loves having text convos with you, but never wants to meet up.

The one that applauds feminist speeches on the Internet, but that disqualifies ALL of his female coworkers’ ideas.

The guy who you have to remind to use a condom every time.

The guy who dismisses your taste in music.

The guy whose favorite subject of conversation is himself.

The guy who talks about his exes all the time.

The guy who doesn’t believe in foreplay.

The guy who never asks if you came.

The guy who’s vegetarian/vegan and lectures you about it.

The guy who is rude to waitstaff at restaurants.

The guy who hates hanging around your friends.

The guy who always flakes on your plans last-minute.

If I may add something, I didn’t go into too much detail with this list because if I did, I’d be here all day. I’ll just say that there are a number of these indicators that don’t work if we flip the scenario, as in “Cunt’s We’ve encountered.” What I mean is that for some reason in our society, we give a pass to women where men don’t get one. If some behavior qualifies a man as a fuckboy, then we should be able to flip it and it also qualifies a woman as a cunt. But that’s not true for some of these. For example, there’s one in there that goes “ the guy that gets upset when you get dressed up and go out with your friends.” Classically, it’s the woman in a relationship that gets upset when a man goes “out with the boys”, but that doesn’t make a woman a cunt. No, we view that as a woman requesting quality time with her man. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, right?  Welp…There you have it folks, this list from a fuckboy’s point of view. Hopefully, my mansplaining sheds some light on why we are the way we are. If not, we were all entertained at the very least.


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