I found god. As of November 5th, 2015, I can honestly say that I am no longer an atheist. It wasn’t like I’d completely identified as an atheist before, but it fit better than anything else did, especially in conversation. It was easier to explain. But now, not so much. I am a full fledged deist now. I know explaining that title is going to be hell, but I am more confident. It’s like getting a new coat, after having worn one too small out of necessity . It feels good. Rolls off of the tongue well too. “Deeeeee-ist”. So what changed, you ask?
Hmmm, what changed, what changed, what changed *scratching and tilting my head*. It’s hard to explain, so bare with me. I’ll be as plain as possible. I met god. It’s probably better to say I understood the work of god in meeting my partner (girlfriend). And she let god use her for her will. That makes her of god, and things of god, are god. That makes her god, in a sense. In understanding the work of god in that moment, I also realized that god speaks to me through what I like and yearn for the most in this world; women. Black women especially. So for me god = black women, and that makes my partner, my god. You probably don’t understand because I haven’t explained how my partner and I met. Unfortunately, I can’t tell that story via written format because of laws and stuff. But if you see me or her in person, we’ll gladly give you the details. I can, however, tell another story that will hopefully give you the same idea.
I have hated glasses for most of my life. Their only purpose to me now is to give my eyes a break from contact lenses. Glasses are the reason I was called “Steve Urkel” through out elementary school. Glasses weigh heavy on your face, and can be cumbersome. Glasses are expensive and fragile. I distinctly remember the day the optometrist asked my mother “will he be getting contacts as well?” and my mother replied no. I looked at her like “Why the hell not?” She would constantly complain about how many pairs of glasses I’d go through a year, approximately 3, as a young active male. I hated the constant weight and presence of the damn things on my face. Seemed like a win/win for both of us. I didn’t understand her reasoning, so I asked her about it. My mother replied “you aren’t responsible enough for them…”. Insulted, I swallowed my pride because I wasn’t the one fronting the money. I endured and pressed on. Fast forward to the summer before my senior year of university. Let me reiterate, UNIVERSITY. Still on my mother’s insurance, it was time for my yearly eye exam and new glasses. We were at the optometrist once again. “Will you be getting contacts as well Mr. Freshley?” “Sure”, I replied. My mother chimed in “No, he won’t be”. Again my face spoke volumes. Again, I asked. “You aren’t responsible enough…” she replied. In my head I thought “Is this mutha fucka serious? You know I can do this shit on my own right?” Her denial was pointless, and her explanation was unfounded. I lost a great bit of respect for my mother that day. I was done with glasses and determined right then and there that I’d get them myself. Fast forward again to a few months later in Coral Gables, Florida, where I was a participant of a pre-med summer program for potential applicants to UM med. I took the little stipend that I earned, that was supposed to be for travel, food, and other things, and marched my black ass down to the local optometrist. I called my mom and asked to use the insurance. “Stephen…don’t get contacts. You are just going to mess up your eyes. You aren’t responsible enough to take care of them like you are supposed to. I’m not going to let you use the insurance if you are getting contacts.” I paid FULL. RETAIL. PRICE. for those contacts, eye exam, and fitting. It took a little under an hour to get both of them in my eyes properly. The first step out the door of the optometrist was one I will never forget as long as I live. The breeze was blowing, causing the palm trees to sway back and forth as if they were waving and cheering me on. The grass was a vibrant and lush green. The sky was the most beautiful “sky blue pink”. The beauty of it all welled up in me and I cried. For the first time in my life I had done something for myself, on my own, in spite of what someone else thought was best for me. I figured out that only I knew what was best for me. The result was literately seeing the world like I’d never seen it before, without a frame around my vision, in full definition. That moment…that moment is god.
I’m sure you are wondering how that story relates to my partner being god. God isn’t anything that we currently say she is. God is a god of her people, individually. Each relationship being it’s own, separate from every other; not even remotely similar to another. God is exactly what you need, when you need it. God is love. In the previous story I loved myself enough to go out and make happen what I needed for me to be happy. And in doing so, I was praising god. The same is true for my partner. Our love is god. For all intents and purposes, Taniesha and I were not supposed to meet. There were about 4 things that had to go wrong, to put me in place where she could notice me. Then, she had to notice me out of literally millions of other people available. THEN I had to be in a place within myself where I was receptive to her noticing me and open to meeting. THEEEEEEEENNNNN even after we met there was a laundry list of reasons, spanning over several months, that we should not have continued to speak to one another. But that’s love. And god is love. Before we even knew of the other’s existence, god was putting us together to further her own agenda; love. It’s just that simple.
Also, in finding god, I found the secret to the universe. It too is simple. God is love, fear is anti-god. When you love, regardless of the situation, circumstance, or object, you are doing god’s will and you will be happy. You are the first person that needs to be loved by you. Without loving yourself fully first, it is impossible for you to love another, or anything else. When you fear, regardless of the situation, circumstance, or object you are out of the will of god. There is no such thing as satan, the devil, etc. I take that back. There is indeed an enemy of god. The enemy of god is the manifestation of fear. Individually, we constantly make the decision to either act or not, on our fears. In acting on our fears, we become the enemy of god. You + fear = Satan. Yes, you are Satan. Deal with it. Anything that involves or invokes fear, is not of god. ANYTHING. So, religion, especially Christianity, is numero uno on the list.
So yea… smoking a cigarette while winding down from work, on a Tuesday night, pondering life, I found god. And she was in her pajamas, wrapping her hair up for the night, getting ready to lay down in bed when I realized it was her.
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