***Disclaimer*** I am writing as I am thinking, so this will come off in a conversational tone as opposed to a clear concise idea***
Or at least that seems to be the common consensus of most people in my inner circle. I wouldn’t be upset about it…if it weren’t a reoccurring, suspicious understanding, among people. It always seems to come out when I begin to talk about or challenge traditional ideas or current understandings of sexuality. That was the case most recently. In discussing and attempting to redefine the current definition of sexual orientation with my mates, the conversation kept being redirected to my personal sexuality. One such discussion leading the person to say “I’ve always suspected that you were bi-sexual…” Again, not a big deal as an isolated incident, however, this “understanding” has followed me since middle school. I think…it’s been since middle school. I can’t rightly remember. Oh, yea! It was actually in elementary school, I remember now.
The genesis of this whole thing seems to have happened when Mr. Settles, the music teacher at my school, came around to each class soliciting students to become a part of the school band. I loved music. Always have, and always will. I remember going home to tell my mother that I had signed up for the band, as a drummer. However, my mother, not fully understanding the long-term cost comparison of a pair of drum sticks and a rubber drum pad versus the upkeep and maintenance of a clarinet, insisted that if I were to be a part of the band that I would only be allowed to play the clarinet, which was passed down to me from other family members who’d been in the band in years passed. Oh man, this is really coming back to me now. I honestly have never sat down like this and tried to connect the dots back this far. Come to think about it, in retrospect, my mom probably assumed that I would give up the band after a few weeks. She probably wishes that she’d let me play the drums now, after spending approximately $1000/ a year, from elementary to high school, on new reeds, mouthpieces, padding, and general maintenance of my clarinet. Sorry, I ran off topic. We were talking about my elementary school band. Faced with the options of not participating in band at all, or playing the clarinet, I chose to play the clarinet. And I was damned good at it. All state Bitches!!!! Any who… I kind of remember this guy named Darius…maybe Darius Baker or Darius Butler…being one of the first people to say something to me about it. “A clarinet?!?! That’s a girl’s instrument…” Yep…that was it. That was the moment all this shit started.
As I stated in my last conversational tangent, I went on to play clarinet all the way up until my sophomore year of high school, when my mom pulled me out of marching band for bad grades. I think that I was okay with being called gay or bi, up until that point because at least I knew people assumed that of me because I was playing a “girl’s instrument” and liked it. But after that…as in present day, I can’t put my finger on why this continues to follow me. Honestly, that is what bothers me the most about this whole thing. I’m not much bothered about being called gay or bi, I just want to know WHY people keep calling me gay or bi. What about me says gay or bi?!?!?!?!
That whole thought process puts me in the mind of the last time that this was a big flair up in my life. I remember one day during my senior year of college, getting a call from a sorority sister I was close too with her simply saying:
“Yea…why what’s up? What’s going on?” I responded.
“Why do I keep getting calls from the bruhz saying you’re gay? Saying that you came out of the closet today…”.
I remember her trailing off in an “ain’t that some shit…” tone of chuckle. I was too devastated to laugh. See, for those of you that have never attended an HBCU, “the bruhz”, are one’s fellow fraternity members, who, for all intents and purposes, are closer to you than your real family while you are in school. So, I immediately understood that if this sentiment had made it back to her, then it had already made its way around the yard/school a few times and was common knowledge. The fact that “the bruhz” were spreading this, solidified the sentiment as nothing but the truth. After all, “the bruhz” wouldn’t say something like that without it being true. Those are my bruhz! Right? I briefly recall confronting a few people about it, but not much after that. I don’t think it was ever resolved who had started the rumor. Which leads me to my next point…
In most recent years, this thing hasn’t come from random people that I barely know or associate with. It has come from people that I know know, you know? My inner circle. People that should know better. Not “know better” as in it’s a bad thing, but “know better” in the sense that we’ve spent multiple intimate moments sharing and exploring the deepest depths of our beings; questioning our very existence in this world and building our way back up to the present. It’s come from people that know soooooooo many other things about me that just a brief analysis of all the things that they know of and about me, should easily yield the answer to their sneaking suspicion. And that’s the thing too…
No one has just asked me. No one! Not a mutha fucking one! It’s always either an accusation or an assumption. It has never presented itself in the form of a question. How hard of a question is it to ask, really, if it’s someone that has been your friend for ten plus years? How hard of a question is it to ask if it’s someone you’ve been fucking for almost two years? Better yet, WHY wouldn’t you ask someone you have been fucking for almost two years, if not for any other reason than to make sure that they are protecting themselves before they come and fuck you again? CLEARLY, if I were gay or bi, and was giving off unquestionable, resolute signs that I was, yet denying it to even the closest of close of my inner circle, then I’d be struggling with it, so WHY oh WHY would you not ask in the attempt to get me some MUTHA FUCKING HELP!!!!!!! If I WERE gay or bi, I’d be fucked. Pun intended. But I really, really wish people would just ask. I’d answer with no issue.
“No…i’m not. But what makes you think that?”
Most recently, when this thing has come up, I have indeed asked people why they thought this of me. Of the few intelligible answers from the few reliable sources, the answer “because you are just so [openly and overtly] sexual that you come off like you are compensating for something else or trying to hide something” seems to be the most reoccurring and thought based answer worth addressing, so I’ll do so.
Let’s break this down into what is said, and how I mentally interpret it when trying to respond. The gist of what is being said is “You are very open and overtly sexual. So much so, that your personality is off-putting, uncharacteristic of normal heterosexual behavior, and suspicious “. What I hear is “You like pussy and fucking so much that I think you like dick too…”. Clear as mud right? Is it a little bit easier to see why this may confuse and upset me?
How is it that in one hand, I am sooooo open and sexual that it’s mostly repulsive, then in the other, this same open, overt, and repulsive sexuality is the calling card of my repressed sexuality. If I were bi or gay, wouldn’t it make more sense that a person as open, overt, and sexual as I am, would want that information freely out in the world as to attract more sexual partners?
For the record…
The adjectives that I use to describe myself are as follows:
- hyper sexual
- chubby (working on that, though)
- fairly attractive
- former swinger
- quick witted
- “ha ha” funny
- financially challenged
In conclusion, I do understand, in part, that my personality traits contribute to my own demise in dealing with this ongoing issue. However, I am hurt and insulted that the people closest to me so readily assume something like this of me. It hurts because I would like to assume that the majority of people closest to me, would know me well enough to also know that homosexuality is uncharacteristic of me. Moreover, if it were something I identified with, I would like to assume that the people closest to me, if no one else, would know that I’d be a proud homosexual, not a repressed or closeted one. But apparently, I can’t rightly make that assumption. It hurts because I am tired of dealing with this particular issue on a personal level, and because, for the life of me, I can not understand where and how this keeps coming up. Hopefully, by writing this I have put the issue to bed. Thank you for reading.
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