I am Doug Funny.

Friend+zone_4f2408_3612445There once was a guy named Doug Funny. Doug was a great guy. He had a winning personality, a heart spun out of pure gold, the best intentions, and was just a little shy. Doug was madly in love with his classmate Patty Mayonnaise.  Patty never gave Doug a chance, because Patty was a bitch.

I mean really…after all those years Patty could have at least given Doug a hand job. Doug was never on her radar in spite of all his personal qualities. The world seems to be full of women like Patty Mayonnaise; women that prejudge men by what they can see off hand or at first glance. This is perfectly fine according to society and social norms. However, when men do the exact same thing, we are judged as pigs, perverts, and shallow. I know because it happens to me at least once a week. I am Doug Funny.

Let’s re-imagine Doug’s plight. Where would Doug have ended up if he had just let Patty go? Where would he have been if he had chosen not to be her friend? I say that he’d be better off. By some weird development in modern dating, it has become appropriate for women to friend-zone suitors; so much so that if you refuse a woman’s counter offer of friendship, after expressing romantic interest, women scoff at you. I’d like to take this opportunity to express what every man, that has been in this situation, has thought:


No self respecting person wants to hang around after being rejected. That’s just common sense. As humans we are naturally selfish. It is theorized that we only relate to one another for the purpose of mutual benefit; meaning we are willing to trade something that we have, to get something that we want. This could be time, affection, money, sex, security or anything. There is little mutually beneficial in a “friend zone” relationship, save the ones that include sex. Even then, the “friend zone” relationship is not truly a “friend zone”, it’s more like “fuck friends”. True “Friend Zone” friendships suck ass and no one wants to be a part of them. I will explain why.

1) First and foremost it takes a considerable amount of guts for anyone to openly express romantic interest. This is especially true for men, because men get rejected a lot. We are expected to shrug rejection off like it’s nothing and move on. If that were truly the case, women would pursue men just as men pursue women; but they don’t. Rejection is hard, and it never gets any easier. Being rejected is embarrassing. It’s like a sucker punch to the gut every time. We know the hurt is only temporary, but in that moment it really sucks. After being sucker punched, the only thing worse could be…yep another sucker punch. That second sucker punch is the friend zone.

2)  When someone says “no, I’m not interested in you that way, but we can be friends…” what we hear is “you are interesting and I like having you around, but you aren’t interesting enough for me to take you seriously. So, instead of taking you seriously, I will keep you around like a little pet.” Lots of men reluctantly agree to this arrangement. But, what most people may not understand is that people agree to this arrangement for the sole purpose of one day changing their romantic interests’ mind. I am willing to bet everything I own that anyone who agrees to be “friend zoned” is waiting for the right opportunity to try again, or waiting for sympathy sex. A rejected person would be hard pressed to find a fuck to give about their romantic interest, other than for the two previously mentioned reasons; just like my main man Doug Funny. He stuck “in there” with Patty, only because he truly believed in his heart that he could change her mind. Had Patty made it painstakingly obvious that she would never get with him, Doug would have moved on, and Patty would have led a very different life.

3) Patty needed Doug to save the day for her a lot. Just as women need “friend zoned” guys for all the little stuff that they don’t want to do, don’t know how to do, or have the means to do themselves. And to me, that’s bullshit! Now before you call me a pig, let’s look at life’s dynamic realistically. As much as we may hate to admit it, sex is the motivation for almost everything we do. Ladies, that great guy friend of yours that always helps you move…he wants to fuck you, and that’s the main reason he helps you move every time.  That nice guy that holds the door or elevator for you, he wants to get a closer look at you, so he can determine if he wants to fuck you. Here is my favorite ladies, when your guy took you through an elaborately romantic day, culminating with him on one knee with a gorgeous engagement ring in public, was so that he could be the only one that fucks you. Being “friend zoned” is like being married to someone without the promise of exclusivity and no sex. This is the exact reason why I don’t have many female friends that I have not had sex with. Honestly thinking about it, there maybe only 2…4 max. Even those 4 women know, without a single shred of doubt, that if they ever give me the “lusty eye” then I will coming flying off the top rope, dick in hand, ready.  You can ask any number of my female friends today and they will tell you out right that I don’t help them do a damn thing. That’s what boyfriends, beaus, and cousins are for. We are all adults, we should be self sufficient. If my female friends want my help they know they either have to pay me, or give up that ass. My preferred medium of exchange is sex.

I wrote this article because a woman I expressed interest in, rejected me and in turn, offered me the friend zone. When I refused her offer she was offended.  I want her, and everyone, to understand that NO ONE wants to be your friend after being rejected. If someone does agree to be your friend after being rejected, they have an end goal in mind. Period. That’s just the way it is. Personally, I have grown weary of playing the games that most people play on the dating scene. If I want someone around, I’m not going to reject them. It’s just that simple, and it should always be that simple. People shouldn’t be offended if someone refuses to be friend zoned. It’s their right. I am Doug Funny with his sack on his shoulder.

fDwcQH9© Stephen R. Freshley and wordbending, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Stephen R. Freshley and Word Bending a secret but not so secret blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

2 thoughts on “I am Doug Funny.

  1. Sir – you are my new favorite blogger. This right here details my experiences with men and my continued relationships with those men expecting more. I’ve found myself in recent months cutting off relationships if these type of feelings develop and keeping it moving. I advise others to do the same.

    Liked by 1 person

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