So you have a vagina…but so does every other woman!

Cuffing season is upon us again and the masses are desperately searching for someone they can tolerate to spend their increased “in the house” time with. I have been in a relationship since last cuffing season.  I think the story of how she and I came to be an item is a good blue print to follow for those seeking to be in a relationship. Dating is definitely not what it used to be. I believe the biggest change on the dating scene has been the mindset of women. There is so much disinformation, contradictory, and cliche dating advise that it seems women are down right confused on how to go about it. Not so much with men though. No matter what book becomes a best seller, what pick up lines become popular, or what any day time television host says, men have the same end goal in mind for the most part. Sex with someone they won’t rollover and regret the next morning.  So that leaves it up to the woman to choose from their multiple suitors, given that those suitors want to be chosen. Which brings me to my first point:

Are you worth choosing?

The mainstream media has down right brainwashed the minds of lots of American woman. The popularization of shows like “Basketball Wives” and “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” has led women, more specifically black women, to believe that all they have to do to get a good man is to be cute, have expensive taste, and don’t take shit from anyone. To the best of my knowledge none of these shows show the women pleasing their men. That’s because it is all a facade. It’s fake! Those men are out getting their needs fulfilled by some side groupie that has learned a long time ago to shut the fuck up, play her role, and ride the situation until the wheels fall off. That’s why the women on the shows have all the free time in the world to shop, fight amongst each other, and travel to exotic lands. The men on those shows  make enough money to support several families/ women and none of them would be the wiser. Unfortunately for the viewing audience, these people are apart of the wealthy 1%. That translates to 99% of the time this is not you.

So the rest of us have to date in our reality, not theirs. Which means we have to attract the desired sex with something other than our looks and libido. Men have always been expected to “bring something to the table”, so as I stated before, the biggest change to the dating scene has been the mindset of women. Women have gone from expecting men to take care of them modestly, to requiring men to take care of them lavishly. All while lowering their part in a relationship from active contributor to  idle bystander. It never, ever works this way in real life. Yes ladies, you do indeed have a vagina…but so does every other woman. What makes you different? Are you offering just a smile and the potential to have sex, since Steve Harvery told you not to do it in the first 90 days? Because I have to tell ya…if that is the extent of what you have to offer and you are expecting a man to provide you with the world, then you may want to go ahead and give up the booty. You have a better chance at sticking around as a “freaky jump off” than to be taken seriously.

[This is me jumping into a side point] Now there is something to the “Housewives of where ever” mindset. Woman can attract these type of men and gain this lifestyle…but it requires work. You would have to keep a meticulous shape and look, have knowledge of who the “Ballers” are and where they are/hang out so that you could be there, dress in only the latest trends and fashionable items to include underwear, and still play hard to get when you meet them. Even doing all of this is not a guarantee, so you might as well put that much time and effort into creating the “you” that you want to be, as opposed to making yourself into what “they” like. Which brings me to my second point:

What do men like?

In spite of what we [men] gawk at and discuss over beer, we want a woman that is herself and honest. That is pretty much it. When my lady and I got together October of 2012 there were no expectations. We were both dealing with people that we did not want to carry into cuffing season [cheating on our significant others] and were just friends with benefits basically. A lot of women, relationship advisers, and the likes speak against this path to a relationship but realistically, that is what everyone is doing anyway. In the first three months of dating someone you are seriously interested in, you don’t just give up on the people you met before them, nor do you stop looking for other people. Never, because you have no inclination as to if the new person is going to pan out. The problem comes in when we lie about this fact. Women want to appear to be “nice”/wholesome, so they claim not to be seeing anyone else. Likewise, men don’t want to appear to be whore mongers so we conveniently leave out how we have been “smashing” those one or two females that always make themselves available to us because they want to be in a relationship, but we don’t care for them in that fashion. My lady, Karen, and I were completely open and honest with one another. You do what you do, I do what I do, and we will do what we do when we bring it together. A large portion of our initial relationship was under the title of “open”. We began to spend more and more time together once we realized that we liked being with each other more than the other people we were dealing with. As a man I respected her honesty, openness, and her willingness to share her dating experiences outside of me. This also let me know that she would be totally fine if I did not want to be with her [maybe even a little better off LOL j/k]. As men we often have a hard time dealing with this type of situation because we yearn to be a woman’s “everything”, even though we may not want that woman. Karen never played up her attraction to me, nor did I to her. Which made me like her more. She was herself and honest. Those two things go a long way even if you are not happy with who you are presently. Don’t sell someone on who you aspire to be, because it may never happen. Which brings me to my last point:

Be something/somebody

Going back to a point I made earlier about the “Housewives of where ever”, with one or two exceptions those women are nothing without the name of their significant other. It shows in how we refer to them. “Oh that’s so and so’s baby mama” or “That’s so and so’s ex-wife”. They’re significant because their significant others made them significant. Otherwise they would be another random vagina working at some retail store or sitting at home without a job, reading this article, waiting to be swept away by Mr. Right. Even now in Karen’s circle of realty I am “Karen’s boyfriend Stephen”, and in mine, she is “Stephen’s girlfriend Karen”. We are separate people, as well as a couple. She is somebody, and that is one of the reasons I chose to be with her. If you do not have your own reality or imprint on the world, then you are not worth dating. Yes, you have a vagina…but so does every other woman! If you are trying to figure out why you are the “side chic” or why he/she refuses to consider a serious relationship with you, it’s probably because you only have a vagina/penis and a smile to offer that person you are trying to be with. There are several women that I can name from my past that are great people. Great people! But they just have nothing to offer me at all. I have had several conversations that went like ” Well I don’t see why you chose her over me”. It was because “she” had something. However small or great that “something” was it was more than the person asking had.  And that is the truth.

So to summarize, don’t let arbitrary dating rules make you miss out on your opportunity. Giving up the booty on the first date or the 10th date will not make a difference in your future. A man meeting your children whenever, will not make a difference. Calling someone however soon or past getting their number will not make a difference. “Do you” and don’t let anyone define what is true to you, other than you. Cuffing season is here. You want to be “beau-ed” up. Bring something to the table, be open and honest, and be somebody. If you can’t do those things, shut the fuck up, and take what you get. And be happy about it because it could be worse.

© Stephen R. Freshley and wordbending, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Stephen R. Freshley and Word Bending a secret but not so secret blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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