An open letter to a now former lover
I have decided that trying to pretend like I am not upset with you would be inhuman. I’d be denying the fact that I am human and that I have emotions, in an attempt to be cordial. So, I will indulge my anger and never revisit it again. I am disappointed more so than anything else. I am disappointed that as a strong, intelligent, black female you don’t have the huevos to tell me that you aren’t interested in me anymore. I specifically asked you, on several occasions, if you really wanted to be with me. I specifically asked you if you really liked me and were attracted to me; you told me yes. I acted off of your word. I released the reigns on my emotions and let them run free. But here I am, the day after Valentine’s Day, the same idiot my ex-wife made me out to be. I am angry at myself because, just like my ex-wife, you gave me every sign that I needed to see beforehand and I swore to myself I would never let anyone do that to me again. I am angry because before this, I spent night after night internally conflicted, trying to decide if your love was true even though I already knew the answer. We last spoke on January 27, when I told you that I’d got you something for Valentine’s Day and we made plans to hang out [two weeks and six days ago]. As a test, I did not initiate any form of communication with you afterward. Subsequently, we have not talked [lack of communication/the initiation of communication on your part has been an ongoing problem between us that I have addressed several times and identified as a sign of disinterest]. I don’t care how busy we are; we make time for people and things that we care about. Not a text, e-mail, Facebook message, letter, smoke signal, or carrier pigeon has passed between us. That doesn’t seem the least bit odd to you? To make sure I am not crazy, let’s run through your usual excuses and rule them out:
I was busy/traveling– You have a cell phone, laptop, and ample pen and paper. It would have been nothing to take less than 30 seconds to send a text, 3-5 minutes to send an e-mail, or 30 minutes to an hour to write a letter. It is highly improbable to say that in the last 20 days, which is 480 hours, or 28,800 minutes you didn’t have ANY time at all to drop a line. Is someone that you claim to love not worth even a moment of your day?
A family member was sick– I am deeply moved and genuinely concerned for your family. However, there is no way for me to know these things without you telling me [see the first bullet].
I didn’t realize it had been that long– This means that you do not think of me as you say you do.
I called/text/emailed you but, I guess you never got it or I called/text/emailed you, but you never responded so I assumed you were upset with me– It is highly improbable that all of your electronic devices would “misfire” that much. If you only called/text/emailed me once [in the last 20 days], you weren’t really trying to contact me. Having not heard from me in the last 20 days doesn’t raise a red flag? Anybody else, after not receiving a response over time, would ask the question “Hey did you get my call/text/email?” or after assuming the message was received and not getting any back ask “Are you upset with me?”.
That about covers it. So what does this mean? It means that you really DON’T GIVE A FUCK. And now neither do I…
[Update March 7, 2012]
I had to do something with the gift I had purchased her. My first inclination was to burn it, video the carnage and e-mail it to her but then I realized it would be wasted money. Then I tried returning it. But because I didn’t have my receipt my only option was to receive my money back in store credit. I took it. Then I was stuck with a $75.44 gift card to Victoria’s Secret that I couldn’t do anything with. I decided to give it away in a promotion for the website. I solicited new members to make a comment on a post that they liked [because getting people to make comments is like pulling teeth] and drew a name randomly out of the people who left comments. Micheal Bowden won.
I came across her profile on Linkedin in the “people you may know” section. Her face caused me to light up just like we had never stopped talking. Katherine was the “one that got away” for me. But it wasn’t because of anything that I did. I read through this post again today, and remembered the circumstances surrounding our “situationship”. She’d just broken up with an “on again, off again” lover when she’d finally given me a chance. I’d been after her for about 2 years at that point. I realize now that I was a “side piece”. I was supposed to play my role, keep quiet, be available when she wanted me to be, and not bother her otherwise. I would have gladly done just that if she’d been open and upfront with me about my role. I also realized, years later, that she could NOT be in regular contact with me because her “on again, off again” lover, was on again. They’re married now. ***In my Atlanta voice*** At the end of the day I’m still bitter about the whole thing because all I ever wanted was a slither of honesty and an apology. I wanted to be treated like a person, as we all do. Dating her caused me more mental and emotional damage than I understood at the time. To this day I still battle trust issues with women because of Katherine and women like her that served to reinforce my learned fear. I sincerely hope that she has grown from the person that she was then, and is treating her husband better than she did me. I still laugh to myself when I think about the last conversation that she and I had. It happened after I’d already written and posted this piece to my site. If I recall correctly, I emailed the link to her. She came with the same old bullshit that she usually does and I ended up calling her a “raggedy bitch” which, for me, is the worse curse I have in my arsenal. She deserved it though.
Thanks, Mike. You and your wife enjoy.
© Stephen R. Freshley and wordbending, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Stephen R. Freshley and Word Bending a secret but not so secret blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.