[untitled]

***Disclaimer***

This whole post is just me venting, so

it’s very angry and depressing.

Feel free to not read it.

I woke up this morning angry, sad, resentful and every other “bad” emotion. I feel like I am being screwed by life and everything is totally out of my control. It started yesterday when I did a preliminary version of my taxes. It ended up saying that I would owe this year again. That makes it the 3rd year in a row. I don’t mind so much that I owe…let me take that back. I do mind very much so that I owe. Especially since I shouldn’t have this problem seeing as I am “married” [on paper] and I have a daughter. This shit is for the fucking birds. It seems like I am helping everyone get over except me, or everyone is reaping the benefits of my existence except me. I feel like I can’t catch a break. My job is ending soon, I owe everybody and their momma money, my love life is all fucked up, I have one real friend [that doesn’t really have time to hang with me]…shit. In my mind it would seem like I should have good luck/karma in at least one area of my life. You would think that everyone catches a break somewhere, right? Lately I have been having to take my breaks. Literally snatching them from life since it wants to act stingy.

Yesterday we had a “mandatory stand down” at work due to the high number of suicides in the Air Force. We had briefings and training on “balancing our four pillars of life”. I didn’t really pay it any mind since I don’t feel like I am suicidal but I did turn a listening ear just because you never know when and where you might learn something so you have to always be open. But now I am sitting here thinking to myself “My pillars are hella balanced. Everything is fucked up [bwhwhhawhhahh ahhahhahha]”. Sad but true. I’m mentally stable because I stopped giving a fuck. I don’t have the mental capacity to actually worry about all of my problems. They are just too numerous.  I feel like all I really have is my writing. I call them my “collection of potentially profitable words”. I hadn’t sold a book in many months. So what I love to do ain’t helping me non either…I just want to be. Like, can we stop all this other shit work, taxes, bills, and just pursue what we have a passion for?  Why is being an adult so hard? And from what I am told it gets worse. Can we just skip to the part where I am financially stable and I with the woman that is for me, and I have a bunch a friends and we travel and hang out and do stuff and I am fulfilled and shit like that…[where is the fucking fast forward button on this thing]. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I know I have been here before. And I have looked back on times like these, laughed and asked myself “why was being such a whiny bitch”.  I’m just anxious for the turn around is all.

And another thing…I hate it when people see that you are obviously going through something and they ask you that same simple stupid ass question “Are you alright?” NO mutha fucka I am far from it! What the hell are you going to do to help? Are you going to buy a book? Are you going to tell a friend about my work to help me make it? Do you know somebody famous that can put me on? You got a fine ass sister that needs a man? Are you gonna give me a job? Are you gonna pay any of my bills? Are you gonna help me in any form or fashion? No? Then keep your stupid ass question to yourself… because people that are going to help are already helping. They don’t need to ask if you are alright. They know already and they are doing what they can as is. I know this because I am a helper. I am just not as good at helping myself.

Anyway, here is some new shit that I have been doing:

new poem                                                                

Hold My Hand

It’s the little things

that you miss when

you are alone

The subtle things that

seem invaluable

the things that make

a house, a home

a kiss on the cheek

or “how was your day”

or maybe just a smile

those things seem to

matter the most

when you haven’t had

them in a while

my favorite thing

of all the others

something small

and relatively slight

is for the one I love

to hold my hand

when we are traveling

by and by

togetherness expressed

publicly for everyone

to see

wherever she and I go

answering the question un-asked

“yea…she’s with me”

Picture of my Vegan food. Oh yea I meant to tell you, I went full vegan on a whim. Just trying shit you know…

Black Eye Pea Patties on a bed of couscous with potato soup

That’s about it…

One thought on “[untitled]

  1. WOW! If you know anyone else that understands the true downward spirals of life, it’s me. I have just learned through you and many others that allowing yourself to stay down is just a sure way for people to abandon you. You are stronger than you know you are, but the only way for you to find that out is to be pushed against a wall. To have life strong arm you for a little while. Didn’t know you were still married. Another wow. I think for you sweetie, you are just going through the motions of becoming who you need to be. You need to have a professional or someone familiar with taxes double check your taxes before you keep paying them. Already have to work for the bastards, no need in paying them too. I know that hurts. I am always wrapping my heart around you to pump you full of love and support so never feel alone. I think you should be cautious of what you allow yourself to say when you’re hurting and venting. Some of these words are giving the negativity in your life even more power. It doesn’t deserve it. I promise you this much: YOU KNOW ME. SO YOU KNOW MY STRUGGLES. POSITIVITY IS THE MOST POWERFUL SOLUTION TO A NEGATIVE SITUATION NO MATTER HOW MANY THERE ARE. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN COOKED FOOD, YOU KNOW YOU A GOOD DUDE. JUST MAKE THE DECISIONS THAT PATTERN YOUR DAYS TO BUILD INTO THE LIFE YOU DESIRE FOR YOURSELF. ONLY GOD KNOWS AT THE END OF THE DAY!

    Like

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