Let me start this story off by saying that it was completely unintentional and that you should read the post in it’s entirety before you judge. I’d also like for the men out there to take my story to heart as a cautionary tale. It is never OK to almost kill a woman.

Some time ago I met a female through a dating website called “Plenty of Fish”. We met up a few times, played pool, went out to eat, et cetera et cetera [What I have incidentally discovered about and dating sites in general is that none of the women on them are really looking for a relationship despite anything that they may post to their page, say over the phone, or what comes out of their mouth’s unless you are a baller, with no kids and have never been married or the women are ugly and/or fat]. Naturally, we started having sex. It was good, nothing special, just casual sex. Then she let me in on one of her little secrets: she liked to be choked. Now, as experienced as I am sexually, [ I stopped counting how many woman I had been with after 100] I had never really gotten into the S&M side of things. Not one to shy away from new experiences, I indulged her and added light choking to our sexual experience. Light choking turned into just choking and man…she would gush harder and faster the more I choked her. This became a regular thing with us. So… on one faithful night we were going in. We were in a legs up modified missionary position [ideal for choking] and I was using my body weight to lean forward on her throat with my right hand. I was choking her in 5 second intervals, 5 seconds of leaning forward and pressing down as hard as I could to stop the air and 5 seconds of release, while stroking the entire while. I could feel her pubis muscles tighten around my penis which I knew to mean that she was coming. I began stroking harder and faster but I maintained the 5 second intervals of choking. At first she leaned her head back and moaned loudly, but then she started to crunch in, tap my arm repeatedly, and make a whining  sound [at this point in the story the reader should note that I had long forgotten that she had asthma and I had never seen her use her inhaler] . Also, keep in mind that I was looking in her face the entire time and I could still feel her coming. I had never heard or seen her act like this so I perceived these new reactions as her reaching a new level of ecstasy so I again increased the rhythm and depth of my stroke AND held on  [give or take a few seconds] to the choking intervals. I thought that I was something, really going in you know? Crazy enough, this went on for approximately 10 to 15 minutes. I finally came, backed out of her slowly, and flopped on my back. She hurriedly jumped out of bed, sprinted across the house to her purse and began scrambling for her inhaler. I wasn’t really paying attention until I realized that she was still   making the whining [which was actually wheezing] sound. Full of myself I rolled over and began to brag [thinking that I had beat it up so right that she was still coming even after sex]. When I finally looked up and saw her gasping for air [she looked like a fish out of water, that shit was hilarious…but I digress]  in between taking huffs from her inhaler I was mortified. I leapt out of bed and ran to her side screaming “I am so sorry, I am so so sorry”. My mind was mush. I fucked her so hard that I brought on a full blown asthma attack. I had almost killed this chic during sex. I could have gone to jail prison. After asking her several times if she was OK and if she needed anything she finally whimpered “its… its OK”.   I snapped [not one of my brightest moments]. “It OK? ITS OK?… you almost died! That is definitely the opposite of OK!!! Are you crazy???” Here she goes…still winded and in between huffs “Its…OK…its…OK”. I regretfully let the following words come out of my mouth:

Bitch you crazy… we need a safe word. The safe word is banana.

Now at this point I realized that I am officially certifiably crazy not because I had snapped on her, not because I obviously can’t tell the difference between coming and dying, or because the whole ordeal turned me all the way on, but because I had just referenced a family guy episode in a time where nothing was remotely funny.

Family Guy Safety word clip

The end.


I laughed later.

© Stephen R. Freshley and wordbending, 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Stephen R. Freshley and Word Bending a secret but not so secret blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

3 thoughts on “Banana…

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