Balls Deep

So I am balls deep in love again. This would be like the 5th or so time in my life [ not really counting but I know it has been few times]. And I am realizing that being in love as an adult is totally different from being in love as a broke college student. It takes a LOT of work. But I love it, and I love her, and I am willing to work through those things to be with her. I have no idea how to go about loving someone and the things that I have done so far are all wrong. I pushed her away at one point and now I don’t know what to do with myself when I am not with her. It’ s confusing.

The first obstacle we have is that she is a corporate America type. And by that I mean she rakes in dough. On the other hand I am not even close. I don’t have a degree, I know for sure that I will be losing my job in about 4 to 6 months, and I have baggage. On paper there is no reason she should even look in my direction but in person everything is right. I am not tripping over the fact that I would not be the “bread winner” in the situation, I just know it would make her feel a lot better about loving me if I looked better on paper. I hate to fall into the category of “every other ninja” but that is where I am right now in my life and it will probably be a while before I am not that guy. I told her about every other thing that she should know before really getting involved with me but I have not ever touched on the amount of debt that I am in. I know that would definitely seal my fate as “friend for life and nothing more”. Surprisingly she has never asked either. Believe you me I want to tell her but knowing that that would be the last straw on the camel’s back I’d rather hold that information a little longer and enjoy the fact that she is even entertaining being with me. I think in the end I know that we wont be together [because if I were in her shoes then I wouldn’t be with me either] but it’s a nice thought. A “happy place” for now.

The second obstacle we have is location. Location, location, location. She is in Whittsett, NC and I am in Fayetteville, NC. We are never in the same place. Before that I was in Atlanta, Ga and she was in Baltimore, MD [we have known each other for about 3 or 4 years]. The list of she was here and I was there goes on. We are both movers and shakers. If we were to really be together then one of us [probably me] would have to conceded and follow the other. Again I have no problem doing this, its just that I don’t/won’t have a job [do you think she’d let me be a stay at home dad? Ha!] She will be finishing her doctorate degree program in about a year and I will be moving back to Atlanta, Ga to start over.  Location…she has job offers all over the country; I only have the choice of going back home as an almost 30 year old man to live with my folks. Definitely a horrible look [whoa is me].

There are definitely other obstacles [I think] but those are the main two. They say loves conquers all but “they” also sell dreams for a living [buy my books], like myself.   Am I being pessimistic? Is this an easy fix?

P.S.

This is a poem that I have written her. At the time when I wrote this I hadn’t written poetry about anyone in a very long time so this poem was extra special.I named the poem after her for one obvious reason, but the other reason is because the last time she was at my house she said to me   “I have always wanted a poem to be written about me…I don’t want it to be any question that it was written for and about me.” So…to ensure that there would never be any ambiguity I present to you a poem called “Katherine”:

Katherine

By the might of my hands and the strength

in my heart I pull you close

closer and closer ever more until we are

pressed down shaken together and

running over into one love

poured out into the lap of the world

a blessing upon the head

that runs down upon the beard

Verily I say unto thee, that no love hath

penetrated me so deeply

Like a breathing dream

I touch you and you escape into my thoughts

over and over again

You are real

I know because my father told me so

Yet I cannot keep you here with me

I am pierced by my transgressions

Repeated follies in step over years of life

they keep your mouth and your tongue

in an attempt to keep you from calamity

and with it they keep my love

No man knows the day nor the hour

of the reckoning of my life

[I have no idea when and if I will ever get it together]

but I will love you still

even to the ends of the earth

even till the end of time

Amen

© Stephen R. Freshley and wordbending, 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Stephen R. Freshley and Word Bending a secret but not so secret blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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